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Posted: September 01, 2017

The Cardiac Spill 2017 Pitt PUN-THERS Football Preview

SBnation.com

0% CONTENT//100% WORDPLAY//I NEED YOU TO IMAGINE MY BOWTIE SPINNING AFTER EVERY ITALICIZED PHRASE//IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE’RE GONNA GET THROUGH THIS ONE TOGETHER

vs. Youngstown State Penguins (September 2nd)

Jeez - this first game is for the birds! And with Bo Pelini at the helm, there's no way this game won't be just like this preview - corny! I hope Pitt doesn't play down to the FCS level this week - that is, don't Stoops to their level! I sure hope Heinz Field has "fair weather" for this one! And if you’re going to get a tan this weekend, be careful not to stay in the sun that long - or else you’ll get Max Browne! Zingo! Next!

at Penn State Nittany Lions (September 9th)

A Nittany Lion may be a type of cat - but frankly, I think the dogs are going to Barking over this one! If I may be frank, I... uh...

You know what, give me a week on this one.

vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys (September 16th)

Oklahoma State is going to throw so many touchdowns, they should be called "six-shooters!" As we saw last year, Cowboys quarterback Mason Rudolph can make some very crazy throws! Hopefully this one doesn't turn into a real paddling! I still live here! What’s up with that! Bwuh-zam! Next!

at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (September 23rd)

This game is opening ACC play for us - so you know there'll be some real buzz! This one might sting! This high-octane offense might give us some serious road rash! If we start the season 1-3, it'll be a real wreck! Georgia Wreck! Georgia Blech? Bore-gia Blech?! Jim-jam jimminy! Next!

vs. Rice Owls (September 30th)

Jeez - this fifth game is for the birds! This game might seem like a comedown after those last two match-ups, so it's up to the coaches to make sure the players give a hoot! I hope we don't see them try to wing it! If we lose this one, we have a problem! But if this team is as good as advertised, it might be an offensive downpour by Pitt! Pitt games are usually won by a score or less... but it's gonna be at least a ten over Rice! Wa-pow! Next!

at Syracuse Orange (October 7th)

Dome, sweet Dome! Cuse may have a strong offense again, but will they be able to win with their D? No!

...Orange you glad this preview is halfway over? Yes? Whatever, next.

vs. NC State Wolfpack (October 14th)

Oh, grandma, what a big game this might be! NC State might be formidable this year, but I bet Pitt will Do-’er-in! And remember: if you’re going to this game, make sure your concessions trash doesn’t fall out of the can accidentally: that is, make sure the Tre Tipton! Yowza!

Losing to NC State at home? Wuf! Next!

at Duke Blue Devils (October 21st)

This team always has some diabolical scheme - but the devil is in the details, and Pitt usually finds a Wade to win. That is, as long as they don't try to cut any corners, because this team is going to be Jones-ing for a statement win at home. K? Better put your dukes up! And if you go to North Carolina for this game, try racing the trees down there - it’s fun to Chase Pine! Sha-zow! Next!

vs. Virginia Cavaliers (October 28th)

Hoo boy, a home game against Virginia! I think we'll Leead the whole time!

vs North Carolina Tar Heels (November 9th)

Let's all hope that by this game, the ACC Coastal is still up in the air - because we all know that this game is gonna be an uphill battle! Here's hoping that Coach Narduzzi and his boys don't wind up in another sticky situation, and bring home the crown! But if they don’t, well, life’s a Mitch anyway! Buppity Bam! Next!

at Virginia Tech Hokies (November 18th)

Jeez - this eleventh game is for the birds! (I think?) If we're still in Lane for the division at this point, I'll be beaming! Hopefully the Hokies won't e-Vick-t us from the division race, but you better be ready just in case this Fuente fellow coaches football en fuego! Say your prayers, I guess! And when you’re, you, crossing grocery store lanes without... permission, you... uhhh... Jay Stocker.

...

Shabbledeeboo! Next!

vs. Miami Hurricanes (November 24th)

This game sure might rock me like a Hurricane! A win here would be a golden way to end the season! And if, after this game, you (a vampire) decide to go cattle shopping for an upcoming rodeo, be sure to tell them “Avonte Maddox!”

Alright, bye.

FINAL SEASON RECORD PREDICTION: [distant “ha-cha-cha-cha” noises]

Be sure to join Cardiac Hill’s facebook page and follow us on Twitter (@PittPantherBlog) for our regular updates on Pitt athletics. Send hate mail to @N_THEYSTAYTHERE (nicetryilluminati@gmail.com)


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